Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
