Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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