I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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