oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Randomize
