Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
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