I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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