forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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