I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Use "feeling words"
Yay
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Randomize
