I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
