He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
