tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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