i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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