Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
