I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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