just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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