Moan for me like Helen Keller
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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