also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
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