Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
