before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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