I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize