I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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