Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
