your parents love me but you hate me
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
