drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
