is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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