so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
