I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
