Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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