I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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