I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
You were trust falling into bushes
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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