Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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