Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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