you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
