I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
