just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
