This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
