I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
