You can't special order awesome
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
