By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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