If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
