i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
