I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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