Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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