if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
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