you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
It's blow job season.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
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