as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Send help, water and tortillas.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
