I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
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