They should really pass out barf bags in church
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
third nipple confirmed
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
