Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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