don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
