There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
