Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize