i jhust puked up my retainher.
I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
