what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
