I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
