singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
It was like getting head from an anaconda
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize