Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
