She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Randomize
