I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize